This group had some participants with very keen comic timing and slapstic skills, which really kept the script, which is batshit insane, bounding along. There were early ideas that the entire play would be set in a toilet, and that there would be a dog playing a Judge. While the toilet and judge didn't make it through, the dog dig, as did an extremely important healthy eating message.
The Most Evil Granny In France: The Motion Picture
Narrator: Coming this summer, a true life melodrama that unfolded in this very France. Can your heart stand the shocking true facts of the true story, of the true play based on the true movie of the true facts of... The Most Evil Granny In France: The Motion Picture? Scene 1: on set!
On set: The Director is preparing to start a cafe scene. On stage is the Granny Actor, Waitress Actor, Chef Actor, the Director, and the Producer, along with some Background Artists, overacting.
Director: Now... we’re ready? In this scene, you’re going to... ah... you know... act. Umm, your motivation is... acting... in the scene. Good? Okay! Cut! Ahh... action!
Granny Actor: I am a very, very old Granny.
Waitress Actor: Hello there, very old Granny. What would you like to eat?
Granny Actor: A croissant.
Waitress Actor: A croissant!
Chef Actor: Un croissant!
Chef Actor pulls out a fish.
Director: Ah... pause. Cut. Sorry. That’s a fish.
Chef Actor: It’s not a... I see... I played Lear, you know.
Director: As for the rest of you... it might be... might be good if you... in this scene... have you thought about trying...acting?
Cop Actor enters.
Cop Actor: Halt! This is the police! No one move. I am hunting the Most Evil Granny in France, and I have reason to believe... it is one of you!
Waitress Actor (crying): I’m sorry, that was just the most... that was so... acting!
Cop Actor: You’re under an arrest!
Cop Actor handcuffs himself to himself.
Cop Actor: Argh, I am so bumbling!
Cop storms in, with his foot stuck in a bucket.
Cop: Halt! This is the police! I am the true police, and I object to my being portrayed as such a bumbling dolt!
Cop Actor: Who are you?
Cop: I’m you!
Cop Actor (long pause): Are you a ghost?
Cop: No! I am the cop who you are playing in this movie, except I am not bumbling at all!
Cop Actor: You have your foot stuck in a bucket.
Cop: I’m undercover!
Lieutenant walks in.
Cop: Liutenant Le Cop Cop! What are you doing here?
Lieutenant: Why, I wrote it!
Cop: Gasp!
Lieutenant: I’m also playing myself. Hollywood’s bright lights call me and I am hopeless to resist them!
Granny Actor: I’m still waiting for my croissant!
Chef Actor: Un croissant!
Chef actor is holding a steering wheel. Long pause. Chef realises his mistake, cringes.
Chef Actor: I trained at NIDA for this!
Producer takes Director aside.
Producer: Look, this doesn’t seem to be going so well.
Director: When you hire actors you expect... you know... that they can act.
Producer: Ah, but they won’t need to act... if you throw in some explosions.
Director: But there are no explosions in the script.
Producer: Or a thrilling car chase through the streets of San Fransisco!
Director: It’s set in France.
Producer: Think about this: is there any evidence to suggest that the Evil Granny was NOT a time travelling robot from the future?
Director: I...
Producer: Shh. Just think about it.
Director: Okay, everyone, let’s call that a day. Come back tomorrow and maybe... think about... you know... acting, or something.
Chef Actor: Someone’s stolen all my croissants!
Waitress Actor: Wait... where’s my wallet?
Granny Actor: My car keys are gone
Cop Actor: My priceless ming vase! It was right here!
Lieutenant: My badge!
Director: My beret!
Cop: My kidneys! They’re gone!
There is an ominous crash of thunder.
Director: What was that?
Granny Actor: It sounded like an ominious crash of thunder.
Granny enters.
Cop: Seriously, I think I need my kidneys, I’m feeling faint.
Granny: Hello, my dear boy.
Director: Oh... it’s just my Granny!
Everyone wipes away fear, phews, etc.
Granny: Yes, ha ha, just your Granny. Certainly not... THE MOST EVIL GRANNY IN FRANCE WHO WAS NEVER CAUGHT AND THIS MOVIE IN WHICH SHE WAS CAUGHT IS A LIE AND SHE’S STILL ON THE LOOSE AND IS DEFINITELY NOT ME IF I DIDN’T MENTION THAT BEFORE... muhahahaha
Awkward silence.
Director: Anyway, see you tomorrow everyone.
Cop: Worry not, I shall solve the mystery of... THE MOST EV--
Enter the Scene Change Fairy.
Scene Change Fairy: Hello every body! I’m the scene change fairy! It’s time to change the scene!
Cop: I’m not finished!
Scene Change Fairy: If we don’t change the scene when the Scene Change Fairy says the Scene Change Fairy might get angry! And when the Scene Change Fairy gets angry... people die.
Scene changes to News readers.
News Anchor: Konichiwa and welcome to France News. This just in, it seems that the Most Evil Granny in France is on the loose again, being evil, in France, on the set of a movie being made about her life. We now cross to our reporter in the field Spicy Crispy Chicken Melt Johnson.
Cross to Spicy Crispy Chicken Melt Johnson.
Crispy: Thank you, News Anchor. As you can see, the scene down here is pandemonium. There are no croissants here. We haven’t seen scenes like this outside of wartime. I just want one croissant. Is that so much to ask? Really? Back to you in the studio.
News Anchor: Uhh... thank you, Crispy Skin Chicken. And news of the Evil Granny?
Crispy: Just one croissant. I don’t ask for much.
News Anchor: Okay. Great. Well, the Evil Granny is described as being a Granny. Anyone with any information should...
The Evil Granny walks across the screen, plotting.
News Anchor: Ah... yes, that looks like her right there. Any police looking for the evil Granny should... no.... no, what are you doing with that remote control? No! Don’t change the channel, I’m your only hope! No! Noooo!
Granny changes the channel, the News Anchor dies horribly.
It changes to an ad for healthy eating.
Tomato: Hi there, it’s me, A Tomato! You should eat healthy, kids!
Kids: Yum, a tomato!
Tomato: Tomato is a not a great thing for you to eat, you should eat a carrot!
Carrot: Wait, what?
Tomato: Delicious Carrot!
Carrot: No... nooooooo!
Kids eat the carrot. Enter the Scene Change Fairy.
Scene Change Fairy: Hello everyone, it’s me again, the Scene Change Fairy. I’m here to change the scene. Stop me before I kill again!
Scene changes to the Police Station. Cop has arrested Granny Actor. He is followed in by Cop Actor, Waitress Actor, Lieutenant.
Cop: Now, admit it! You stole my kidneys!
Granny Actor: I’m telling you, I’m not a Granny! I am an actor playing a granny! I’m so well trained at the acting you can’t tell the difference!
Lieutenant: If they find out that the Evil Granny escaped jail I’ll never make it to... Hollywood!
Cop Actor: You know, the Director’s Granny looked a bit suspicious. Suspiciously... evil!
Waitress Actor: Oh, be still my beating actors heart!
Chef Actor: Who ordered the... crossaint!
Chef Actor is holding a scary clown puppet.
Waitress Actor: That’s not a croissant!
Chef Actor: Okay! Fine! I admit it. I don’t know what a croissant is!
Cop: You’re not the police, you’re an actor. You can’t solve crimes, you can only act solving crimes! No, me, I am the true police, and you are under arrest, Granny!
Cop goes to handcuff Granny Actor, and handcuffs himself. Awkward silence.
Cop: All part of my plan.
Cop handcuffs himself to a table.
Cop: Now, I just need the keys.
Cop gets the keys out of his pocket, and throws them away.
Cop: Hmm.
News Anchor crashes in, dying.
News Anchor: Evil old Granny spotted at... News Station... must be stopped... so evil... too late for me... tell my mother... tell her... tell her... here’s Tom with the weather... over to you, Crispy Skin Chicken Melt Johnson.
News Anchor dies again.
Crispy Skin Chicken: This just in, the Eiffel Tower has been stolen! No, wait... it’s just over there. I was looking in the wrong direction. Sorry. That’s what happens when I don’t get my croissant.
The Scene Change Fairy Enters.
Scene Change Fairy: Scene change, scene change, scene change!
Scene changes to a wedding scene. Cop is being married to a dog. Lieutenant is a priest, others are onlookers, crying. Wedding March plays.
Cop: I really wish I wasn’t handcuffed to a table.
Producer and Director enter.
Producer: I’m just saying... what if the Granny was played by Will Smith?
Director: I need to... ahh... talk to the police. About... The Granny. I think she may be... THE MOST EVIL GRANNY IN FRANCE.
Everyone leaps to attention.
Cop: I’m telling you she’s right here! This is her, or my name isn’t Sergent Bob Bill Bert Bonkers Oh No! Bumble Noodles III!
Everyone stares at Cop. Awkward silence. Coughing, shuffling of feet.
Director: I see. Anyway. I had a... I had a dream.
Dream sequence.
Director: I was walking through the studio lot...
Scene Change Fairy: Are you changing the scene without the scene change fairy? This is an outrage! Where is my lawyer?
Director walks, dream like, through the studio lot. Tomato enters.
Tomato: Hello there, I’m a Tomato.
Carrot: And I am President Theodore Roosevelt.
Tomato: And you are a carrot.
Director: No... I’m a director! Famous movie director Jonsvwa Kitten La Frou Frou
Carrot: Carrots can’t talk, little carrot.
Director: I am for healthy eating!
Tomato: Isn’t it strange that whenever your Granny comes to visit... evil things happen?
Chef Actor: I have a croissant...
Director: That’s not a crossant... that’s a picture of a monkey skiing...
Chef Actor: It’s a dream! A dream crossaint! Your Granny is the evil Granny! You know what? I quit!
Kids: We’re going to eat you now, carrot!
Director: Noooooo!
End dream sequence.
Granny Actor: What a weird dream.
Granny Actor: Have you considered that you might have a brain problem?
Cop: I’m telling you, I have the Granny right here.
Granny enters dressed as police.
Granny: I just saw the evil Granny. She’s over there.
Pause.
Everyone runs in the wrong direction off stage, then comes back on and leaves the other direction.
Granny starts to steal things off the stage.
Cop Actor sidles back in, dressed as a lamp. Granny tries to steal the lamp shade, Cop Actor arrests her.
Cop Actor: Hah! You are under arrest! I am such a great actor.
Everyone else runs in.
Cop: Stop right there!
Cop Actor: I have everything under control.
Waitress Actor: I cannot act as if I have no feelings anymore! I love you!
Cop Actor: Wait, are you in character, or is actually you?
Waitress Actor: I... actually, I’m not sure.
News Anchor: Wait, didn’t I die in that last scene?
Spicy Crispy Skin: I am so hungry.
Producer: What if a meteor was crashing towards earth and the Granny was the only one who could stop it?
Tomato: I’m confused.
Carrot: I’m a carrot!
Narrator: I’m sorry, but can we try and sort this out? There are far too many of you on stage, it’s like a Shakespearean wedding.
Granny: I’m innocent! Oh, this is too much for my poor Granny heart!
Granny swoons across stage, everyone runs after her to try and catch her, she goes back and forth a few times, and collapses.
Director: Granny! No! You... you did this! I challenge you to a duel!
Director slaps Cop with a glove.
Cop: I didn’t do anything!
Cop Actor: I accept!
Cop Actor slaps Cop with a glove.
Cop: Stop hitting me!
Waitress Actor: You can’t do this! I love you!
Chef Actor: Hey, I found this weird shaped sugary bread backstage. Any idea what it...
Chef Actor trips, the croissant spins around stage, and knocks everyone out, ending up back at Chef Actor, and knocks him out too.
Granny stands up.
Granny: Heh heh heh...
Narrator: And that was how the most Evil Granny in France escaped capture once again. She’s still out there... somewhere... so be careful. Keep a close eye on your Granny. It could be... that she... is the most EVIL GRANNY IN FRANCE!
All: And the moral to the story is... a duck’s quack can’t echo!
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