Too Many Nannas

Next up, the continuing adventures of Henrietta Raes, the true life most evil Granny in France. This one was written with a slightly older group than the last one (below!), and is also insane. This was a bit of give and take between us -- most of the character names and Clouseau ripoffs are mine, but the Bingo Caller character was created by one of the young people, who knew exactly what part they were destined to play. There are some great moments that you just can't relay in a script, such as the slapstick business the French police got into, the magnificent gold cloak the lawyer wore, or that fact that The Waiter had rollerskates built into his shoes. This all happened some time in 2009, and the group were great fun to work with

TOO MANY NANNAS

 

Scene 1.

Narrator: We set our scene in a small, sleepy town just North of Canberra, called France.

Lights up on sweet innocent Nanna eating her quiche.

Narrator: Where a sweet innocent Nanna is sitting down to eat her delicious quiche. OR IS SHE?!

Red and blue lights flash, sirens start going off! Nanna hops up, packs her knitting in her hand bag and begins making a painfully slow getaway.

French Police -- Inspector Monkeybrains, Detective Wateringcan, and Work Experience Officer Catpiano charge in. They look around for the Nanna, only Catpiano can spot her.

Monkeybrains: Check the quiche.

Wateringcan touches the quiche.

Wateringcan: Still warm.

Catpiano: She’s just over there.

Monkeybrains: She can’t have gotten far.

Catpiano: She’s getting away very, very slowly.

Wateringcan: I think Officer Catpiano might be on to something.

Monkeybrains: Oh please, Detective Wateringcan! He’s just the work experience police. Preposterous! Wait! There she is!

Wateringcan: We need reinforcements.

Catpiano: Should I just go and arrest her?

Monkeybrains: Are you mad! What if she’s armed? We’re waiting for reinforcements.

Nanna escapes, very very slowly, while they watch her. She leaves. A reinforcement police officer charges in, stops.

Reinforcement: Reinforcement!

Another Reinforcement charges in, banging into the  back of the other one.

Reinforcement: Reinforcement!

Another one runs into the back of the second one, knocking the first one further forward. Rest of the cast run in as reinforcements, who eventually collapse on the ground in a pile.

Monkeybrains: Reinforcements! After that... oh... curse! She’s escaped us.

Catpiano: She’s not exactly the fastest criminal in the world. I’m sure she’s just—

Monkeybrains: Enough of your insubordination! Let us go back to the station. I need... I need cakes...

Wateringcan: But, sir, your diet!

Monkeybrains: Don’t look at me!

Monkeybrains runs out. Wateringcan and Catpiano look at each other, then leave.

Reinforcements: Hello? We’re stuck.

Lights down.

Lights up. A swanky French Restaurant. Nanna is sitting at a table. Waiter is standing next to her.

Narrator: The fine officers of His Majesty’s French Police Force were not to catch this Devilish Nanna on that day, but instead perhaps, this day! Not so innocent, is she, yes, no? Ha ha. For she is a terrible scam artiste French French who is about to scam this poor sweet waiter.

Waiter: The bill, madamoiselle.

Nanna: Oh, you’re too kind, here, let me just get my change purse.

Nanna spills her change purse all over the ground.

Nanna: Oh dear, silly old innocent me.

Waiter: Allow me, madamoiselle!

Waiter bends down to pick up the change. Nanna looks around, and stabs him with a knitting needle. She goes to escape, but Hotel owner enters.

Owner: Henri! Sacre bleu! What are you doing napping on the job! I am so sorry, Madamoiselle, how can I help?

Nanna: I so desperately wanted to pay my bill for this delicious quiche, but your waiter is asleep. I am so old,  a shock like that could really—

Owner: Say no more, sweet innocent Nanna! This meal is on the house!

Nanna: You’re too kind.

Monkeybrains, Wateringcan and Catpiano crash in.

Wateringcan: Nobody move!

Catpiano: Madamoiselle, I must place you under arrest for the most heinous—

Monkeybrains: Officer Catpiano, what on earth are you doing?

Catpiano: Arresting the devilish Nanna who—

Wateringcan: Oh dear.

Monkeybrains: It is obviously not her! She is far too innocent looking.

Catpiano: We’re trying to catch a far too innocent looking Nanna!

Monkeybrains: I am so sorry, Madamoiselle, for this... this work experience police officers most foolish mistake.

Nanna: That is quite alright, young man. Although... I should tell you... I saw the Hotel Manager with a very suspicious grey wig in his pocket. And I think he stabbed this waiter.

Monkeybrains: Say no more, madmoiselle! You sir! Are under arrest!

Owner: Me! On what grounds?

Waiter: Why hasn’t anyone called me an ambulance?

Monkeybrains: You are also under arrest! Come, police! Let us police them!

Monkeybrains cuffs them and storms out with the Waiter and Owner. Nanna is making her exit, leaving a bingo card behind.

Catpiano: Detective Wateringcan... I don’t want to... speak ill of the Inspector, but...

Wateringcan: He has... no brain.

Catpiano: So it’s not just me? The Nanna is very slowly getting away again, should I...

Wateringcan: It’s no use, he’ll have to see it with his own eyes.

Catpiano examines the Bingo Card.

Catpiano: I have... an idea...

Scene 3 – a Bingo hall

Narrator: And an idea Officer Catpiano had indeed! I’m sorry, but Catpiano? Seriously? Who comes up with these names? They don’t even sound French. And since when did French people know how to play bingo? God, I hate the theatre.

Nannas and other Bingo type people sit around with their bingo cards. They are several undercover police, including Monkeybrains, Wateringcan & Catpiano. The waiter, still stabbed, is also there.

Bingo Caller: First ball, first ball, here it is folks, legs eleven, legs eleven, watch your duck. Next ball, eight, eight, strapped to the underside of a small to medium sized business aeroplane, hello mother, is that you? Next ball, ball, this ones a square, two squared minus four plus the earlier eight and eleven that makes all of them six, put it in a bucket, tell all your friends, don’t try the quiche!

Waiter: Bingo!

Nanna stabs the waiter again, and takes his bingo card.

Nanna: Bingo!

Bing Caller: Bingo Bingo, bongo, no feet, leave it in the rain, it’ll grow another nose, congratulations, sweet innocent old lady!

Nanna goes to collect her prize, Catpiano throws off his disguise!

Catpiano: Stop right there!

Nanna: The fuzz!

Nanna starts making a very slow escape. Her knitting is attached to her table, and she leaves a long piece of red wool attached to it as she leaves.

Catpiano: Grab her!

Reinforcement: Grabbing her!

The Reinforcements all grab each other, Nanna escapes. Monkeybrains is admiring his Nanna dress.

Monkeybrains: You know, Detective Wateringcan, I rather think this dress does wonders for my hips.

Wateringcan: You look lovely, Inspector Monkeybrains.

Catpiano: The Nanna is getting away!

Monkeybrains: Hmm? Oh, yes.

Monkeybrains yanks on the wool, Nanna comes tumbling back in.

Monkeybrains: Case closed. Let’s go and have some...

Wateringcan: Don’t say it!

Monkeybrains: Cakes!

Monkeybrains waltzes out.

Catpiano: I don’t understand... he’s an idiot... but he caught her?

Wateringcan: I find it’s better not to ask questions.

Waiter: I am bleeding so much. Again. Please. Help.

Reinforcement: We’re stuck again.

Scene 4. Interrogation. Hotel Owner sits at a desk. Monkeybrains, Wateringcan & Catpiano enter.

Narrator: This play is dumb, and I hate all of you.

Actors give the Narrator a weird look.

Narrator: Fine. Here we are, hooray, at the stupid interrogation room, where these stupid people are going to keep being stupid.

Hotel Owner: I tell you, it wasn’t me! I’m innocent!

Catpiano: Don’t worry, we’ve found the real devilish Nanna. You’re free too—

Monkeybrains: Just a minute, Catpiano! I’ve seen you before, haven’t I?

Hotel Owner: Yes, you arrested me for—

Monkeybrains: Hah! I see through that fake nose!

Monkeybrains tries to pull Hotel Owners nose off.

Monkeybrains: And that ridiculous wig!

Monkeybrains tries to pull Hotel Owners hair off, slamming his head into the table.

Wateringcan: Seems to be a real nose and hair.

Monkeybrains: Hah! It is obviously a very firm glue. Take him to the cells! Send the next one in!

Wateringcan leads out a dazed Hotel Owner, Reinforcements bring in the Nanna, try and sit her in the chair, but keep sitting each other in the chair instead. Finally they get it right, salute, and all try to leave in the same direction.

Catpiano: Alright, devilish Nanna, let’s—

Lawyer storms in.

Lawyer: Hold it right there! This is a gross misrepresentation of the rights and lefts of my clientele, subsection F. Wham! Yes! Best lawyer ever!

Catpiano: What did she just say?

Wateringcan: I think we’re screwed.

Monkeybrains: But have you forgotten... cross reference 9?

Lawyer: The Ham Sandwich precedent of ’94? What about subsection 9, line four thousand?

Monkeybrains: Teratological nonsense – subdivision Jonathon Duckhead!

Lawyer: Post graduate study 11B!

Monkeybrains: Paragraph 4.

Lawyer: Word 7.

Monkeybrains: Cynthia.

Lawyer: Ricardo.

Monkeybrains: I’ve always loved you.

Lawyer: It can never be!

Monkeybrains: I know.

Lawyer: One last thing...

Monkeybrains: A final kiss?

Lawyer: Bus fare.

Monkeybrains: Of course.

Monkeybrains gives the Lawyer bus fare. The Lawyer leaves.

Monkeybrains: Everyone out!

Catpiano: But... what just happened?

Monkeybrains: Out! Leave me! To inspect!

They all leave.

Monkeybrains: So, you’re the devilish Nanna, ey? Don’t look so tough.

Nanna: You’re so skinny, dear. Do you want... a cake?

Monkeybrains: A... a...

Nanna: Sweety sweety cake.

Monkeybrains: No, I can’t I’m a...

Nanna: Naaaaaanna.

Monkeybrains: What are you doing to me?

Nanna: You’re a Nanna... just like me... just like all of them...

Monkeybrains: Yes! It all makes sense! I’m a Nanna! I’m a bad Nanna! Real bad!

Nanna puts a shawl and grey wig on Monkeybrains, who sits in the chair and sobs. Nanna starts to escape. Catpiano bursts in.

Catpiano: Stop right there! I don’t know what you did to the Inspector, but I’m going to stop you! Reinforcements!

No one enters.

Catpiano: Reinforcements?

Nanna: They’re no good to you now... they’re all... Nanna...

Catpiano: What have you...

Monkeybrains: Nanna.

Catpiano: Stop saying that word!

Nanna: Too many Nannas...

All of the characters slowly come in, all dressed as Nannas, they descend on Officer Catpiano who screams No No No! They surround him, and dress him as a Nanna. They stand up and do a choreographed Nanna dance, while singing ‘Too Many Nannas’.

All bow.

The end!

Narrator storms on stage.

Narrator: What? That’s not even a proper ending! You can’t—

Lights down.