The Case Of The Least Suspicious Granny In France

For whatever reason today I decided that this blog I haven't told anyone about is the best place to post up all of the plays I create with my CYT drama groups. To that end, this is first of three short plays written with different Canberra Youth Theatre 10 - 12 drama groups, based on a newspaper article about Henrietta Raes, "the most evil Granny in France". It was brainstormed, improvised, and finally scripted over a single week in the school holidays sometime in 2008.

THE CASE OF THE LEAST SUSPICIOUS GRANNY IN FRANCE!

Scene One

The Journalist is tapping away at his typewriter, saying tap tap tap, everyone else saying tap tap.

Journalist: I AM A JOURNALIST.

Everyone ooo.

Journalist: And this is the story that almost destroyed me, and set fire to my cat.

Everyone gasps and meows.

Journalist: It is the journalistic tale of... THE LEAST SUSPICIOUS GRANNY IN FRANCE.

Everyone half dundundun half wait... what?

Scene Two

Detective Spout is interrviewing Hotelier, while Constable Trout (the boy) and Constable Trout (the girl) watch on. Journalist is writing furiously, climbing around everyone, and is ignored.

Spout: And you say she left without paying the bill?

Hotelier is bawling his/her little eyes out.

Hotelier: She seemed so unsuspicious!

Spout: All she left behind was this knitting needle.

Spout presents the fish.

Trout: We will obviously never find her.

Trout: No point looking!

Spout: On the contrary! We have arrested every Granny in France for a line-up!

Journalist: They had!

Scene Three

Detective Spout stands near Hotelier, soothing them. Constable Trouts look nervous.

The wheeling siamese death Grannies of Tiddle-I-Po roll in.

One: We are!

Two: The death Grannies!

One: Grannies!

Two: of Tiddle-I-Po!

One: Grr.

Two: I also grr.

The next Granny lumbers in.

Granny: I'm not evil, that cat was already dead!

Henrietta Trout, the nice knitting Granny comes in.

Hotelier: That’s her! That’s her right there!

Spout: Number five step forward.

Henrietta: Hello dear! I’ve made you a beanie!

Trout: Obviously mistaken, sir.

Trout: Wouldn’t you prefer one of the other ones, sir?

Hotelier: It’s her! I swear it on my badly burnt cat!

Spout: I hardly see... wait a minute! She’s only knitting with one knitting needle!

Scene 4

Jail cell. Henrieta sits knitting, smiling at everyone. Trout and Trout enter.

Trout: Gran!

Trout: Gran!

Henrietta: Oh hello, look I’ve made you some mittens.

Trout: No time for mittens!

Trout: We told you last time, Gran, we can’t keep busting you out.

Trout: We’ll get caught!

Henrietta: Oh, that’s okay, don’t worry. I’ll be fine in here.

Henrietta coughs loudly. Trout & Trout look distraught. Spout enters.

Spout: Ah! Trout & Trout. Good to see you’re keeping an eye on the prisoner. I say, did you know she has

the same last name as you?

Trout: Total concidence, sir.

Trout: Definitely not her Grandchildren, sir.

Journalist: No time for this scene to end, we’re going to court!

Scene 5

The court room. The Hotelier is in the audience. Trout & Trout sit in the audience, near Spout. Henrietta

is in the witness box. Judge is levitating and may be a vampire. The Laywer approaches Henrietta. There

is a guard nearby.

Judge: Court is now in session. Judge presiding! Guard! Get Judges pancakes.

Guard: GUARD GET PANCAKES

Guard goes to get pancakes. Even though there are two dialogue attributions for the Lawyer, they should

be played by the same person, prosecution and defence, leaping from side to side, possibly switching wigs.

Lawyer: Henrietta Trout, if that is your real name.

Henrietta Trout: Oh yes indeed sir.

Lawyer: Is it true that you ran up a huge bill at this poor Hoteliers hotel and then ran off without paying

it?

Henrietta: No.

Lawyer: Or did you?!

Lawyer: I object, your honour, leading the witness!

Judge: Judge sustains!

Guard enters with pancakes. Trout & Trout sneak onto stage.

Guard: GUARD GET PANCAKES.

Judge: Judge love pancakes!

Lawyer: Where were you on the night of the seventeenth?

Henrietta: I’m not sure I remember, the old memory is a bit—

Lawyer: Shame on you, badgering a poor defenceless old woman!

Lawyer: This case should be thrown out!

Lawyer: I object, your honour!

Judge: Judge has problem!

Lawyer: On what grounds, your honour?

Judge: Judge needs more pancakes!

Henrietta: I was eating my cabbage soup.

Lawyer: Cabbages? Cabbages! In the middle of a cabbage drought?!

Lawyer: Or is it!

Lawyer: The prosecution rests.

Lawyer: Or do they!

Trout: You are not very good at being a lawyer.

Trout: Quick, Gran, while they’re distracted, let’s go!

Spout: Trout, Trout! Are you helping this aged and unsuspicious criminal Granny escape?

Trout: Yes.

Trout: No.

There is the noise of a Granny stampede off stage.

Spout: What’s that noise?

Hotelier: Outside! It’s a Granny stampede!

Hotelier faints. The other Grannies stampede in very slowly, knocking everyone over.

Granny: Henrietta, it is time for us to return to our home planet of Grannytron 7!

They all turn into a giant space ship, and embark for Grannytron 7.

Spout: You two are under arrest!

Lawyer: Do you need a lawyer?

Lawyer: Pick me, pick me!

Hotelier: What about this bill!

Judge: Judge judges you to be... judged!

Journalist: And that was the case of the most unsuspicious Granny in France. JOURNALIST.