Even though I'm in the script, I was played by one of the young people, hence realising my dream to be portrayed on stage by a ten year old girl.
Onwards!
DISCOMBOBULATED
(WORKING TITLE)
The cat is on stage.
HADLEY: Hello and welcome! My name is Hadley, and I am the tutor of Monday afternoons CYT drama workshop. Unfortunately, this semester we have been unable to do any drama games or exercises, as I have put the participants to work in an illegal science laboratory, in an effort to create a device that will allow me to BECOME SUPREME RULER OF THE UNIVERSE MUAHAHAHAHAH
Hadley is dragged off stage by people in white coats.
The cat runs off stage. Marzipan enters, with Shakespearian tragedy.
Marzipan: Kitty? Oh, kitty! Has anyone seen my kitty cat, my little Whiskers? O woe! Where for art my kitty cat thus canst be! O, my heart is heavy without my kitty cat! Has she run away? Hast she forsoothed our friendhsip! Woe! Whiskers! Whiskers!
Doctor Gesunheit enters, acting like a cat.
Doctor: It is I! Whiskers!
Marzipan: You are not a cat! You are obviously a mad scientist.
Doctor: No I am not! I am a cat! Look at me! Meowm! Meowm!
Marzipan: Sigh! Whiskers! Whiskers, where are you?
Doctor: You don’t need that cat anymore! You just need me, Doctor Gesundheit! The greatest scientist in the Universe! I will be your cat!
Marzipan: I want my cat! I want my Whiskers!
Doctor: Hmm. Quite the CONUNDRUM. I have an idea! If I help you find your cat, Whiskers, will you let me be your cat as well?
Marzipan: I don’t know...
Doctor: PLEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Marzipan: Okay.
Doctor: How marvellomagnificent! Come this way!
Scene change: To the laboratory.
Make the Discombobulator.
Marzipan: What is it?
Doctor: Why, it’s my Discombobulator!
Marzipan: What does it do?
Doctor: It... umm... it... discombobulates things.
Marzipan: It looks fattening.
Doctor: It is mostly made of cake.
Marzipan: You are a bad scientist.
Doctor: But a great chef! ROCKET BOY!
Rocket Boy comes in.
Rocketboy: Rocket Boy is registered in the vicinity beep over and out.
Doctor: Rocket Boy, this is... who are you?
Marzipan: Marzipan!
Rocket Boy: It is a pleasure to make your registered beep scanning human life form beep life form is complaining of a beep lost bat we beep will help you find your bat
Marzipan: Cat!
Rocket Boy: Beep re-scanning feline life form is looking for lost bat beep
Doctor: You’ll have to excuse him, he’s part microwave.
Marzipan: How is this going to help find Whiskers?
Doctor: I am Whiskers!
Marzipan: We already did that bit.
Doctor: You see, the Discombobulator is a fabudifferous machine! It can do most anything! All we need to do is configure it for cat searching – like so, and hit this button and...
The machine starts to go haywire.
Doctor: And... uhh...
Marzipan: What is it doing?
Rocket Boy: Rocket Boy scanning beep beep Dicombobulator has been configured to beep beep destroy space time continuum.
Doctor: Don’t worry, everything is under control.
The machine goes even more haywire.
Doctor: Run.
They run away, the machine bits explode and run away outside. An air hostess enters.
Air Hostess: Ladies and gentlemen we apologise to inconvenience you, but due to recent Discombobulator related problems we must ask you to evacuate the theatre. There are exits here, here, and here, although we do ask you to use the exits to the rear as the other two are imaginary. Please do not panic.
Hadley charges back in, followed by people in white.
Hadley: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Hadley charges out the back.
Air Hostess: Right this way, thank you. Please ensure your tray is in the upright position and you leave any expensive personal belongings behind so we can NOT steal them while you are outside. Thankyou.
Air Hostess leads audience out the back.
Marzipan, Doctor Gesundheit and Rocket Boy are on the ground.
Marzipan: What happened?
Doctor: I guess it’s time to tell you, I am living a lie! I am not a scientist! I am a... cat.
Marzipan: Stop saying that!
Demons start to enter.
Rocket Boy: Scan of new dimension beep indicates beep we are in the Demon Dimension beep behavioural suggestions are beep panic.
Marzipan: We’re in the what?
King Demon: The Demon Dimension! Muahahaha!
Doctor, Marzipan & Rocket Boy scream and run around in circles.
King Demon: What are they doing?
Demons: Panicking.
King Demon: Be still!
They freeze – Colombian hypnosis.
King Demon: Do not be afraid, little humans.
Marzipan: Please don’t eat us!
Demons all laugh.
King Demon: Eat you! Why would we eat you? You are all stringy and humany. What are you doing in our kingdom?
Marzipan: I’m looking for my cat.
Doctor: I want to be her cat.
Rocket Boy: Beep.
Demons all gasp and back away.
King Demon: A cat, you say! Yes, yes, we saw your cat. She thought we were going to eat her as well! She ran across the great noodle bridge, into the Unipeg dimension! Why does everyone think we are going to eat them?
Demons: We don’t want to eat them!
King Demon: We just want to frying pan frying pan trousers with them!
Doctor: What?
King Demon: Frying Pan Frying Pan Trousers! I believe in your dimension it is called Duck Duck Goose. Come, join us! If you will play with us, we will help you find your cat!
Marzipan: You promise?
King Demon: We promise!
They sit in a circle. King Demon starts to tap them on the head saying Frying Pan Frying Pan Trousers. The Passage Of Time Enters.
Time: Hi, I’m the Passage of Time. It’s my job to come out here and indicate to you that time is passing, even though no time has passed at all. It is a very important job, and my Mother is very proud of me. She always says, oh yes, my boy, he’s the passage of time, and—
Marzipan: Get on with it!
Time: Yes, sorry. TEN HOURS LATER.
King Demon is still going around the circle.
Marzipan: Aren’t you supposed to pick someone?
King Demon: WHAT?! Where is the fun in that?
Marzipan: You’re not helping me at all! None of you are helping me! I’m going to go and find the noodle bridge and go to the Unipeg dimension and find my Whiskers!
Marzipan storms out.
King Demon: Is she always like this?
Doctor: Woof! Woof! I’m a cat!
Rocket Boy: Beep beep detecting danger from the vicinity of beep noodle bridge beep.
Rocket Boy follows Marzipan, taking the Doctor with him. King Demon follows them. The other demons look around.
Demons: TROUSERS!
They run around in circles.
New scene: Unipeg Dimension.
Marzipan is looking around, followed by Doctor, Rocket Boy and King Demon.
Marzipan: Hello? Whiskers?
The Unipegs all frolic out. La la la la!
Queen Unipeg: Welcome to the Unipeg dimension!
Marzipan: Hi, I’m looking for my cat...
Queen Unipeg: Would you like some marshmallows and hugs?!
Marzipan: No.
Queen Unipeg: That is sad! But everything here is happy! Happy happy happy! Everything is bright and lovely and wonderful in the Unipeg dimension, and no one ever gets eaten!
Good Unipeg: Yes they do!
Queen Unipeg: Silence!
Marzipan: Have you seen my cat?
Queen Unipeg: We didn’t eat it!
Good Unipeg: Yes they did!
Doctor: Rocket Boy, what are your sensors telling us?
Rocket Boy: Sensors beep indicate that beep—
Other Unipegs smash Rocket Boy.
Queen Unipeg: Whoops! Your microwave seems to have had an accident!
Marzipan: You smashed it!
King Demon: Would anyone like to play elephant elephant toaster?
All: NO!
King Demon: Whatever.
The Unipegs have been adding herbs and spices to the heroes.
Marzipan: Quick question, Queen Unipeg.
Queen Unipeg: Yes?
Marzipan: Are you going to eat us?
Queen Unipeg: How could you even suggest such a thing! We could never eat you, our new friends. Now, you must be tired! Come into the kitchen... I mean lounge room, and have a rest.
The Unipegs conduct the heroes off stage. There are insane screams and sounds of people being cooked and eaten. It ends with a big burp.
Queen Unipeg (off stage): Delicious!
Next scene: Inside Queen Unipeg a.k.a. The Cheese Dream Dimension.
Marzipan: Ewww, I’m covered in drool!
King Demon: Are we...
Doctor: Did we just...
Marzipan: Get eaten by a bunch of Unipegs? Yes.
Doctor: Oh.
Good Unipeg: I tried to warn you! Now they ate me as well!
Marzipan: It doesn’t look like a stomach in here. Is that a garden?
The Garden of Cheese Dreams – everyone gets asked where Whiskers is, and is activated and reacts bizzarely. Eventually they form a circle around the heroes.
Cheese Advisor: Welcome to the City Of Cheese Dreams! Our Great leader, Gorgonzilla, requests an audience!
Marzipan: Are you going to eat us?
Cheese Advisor: Why would we eat you?
Marzipan: It just seems to be a recurring theme.
Cheese Advisor: I am the Chief Cheese Advisor to Lord Gorgonzilla. It is Gorgonzilla who rules over this place, where all the dreams brought about by eating too much cheese come to rest.
Freezes enact cheese dreams.
The Intermission enters.
Intermission: Hi! I’m the intermission. I come in about half way through the action and call a pause to give the audience and the actors a break—
The Fourth Wall enters.
Fourth Wall: Look, I’m the Fourth Wall and I’ve been battered pretty badly over the course of this play, and I’d just like to say that—
Intermission: Hey! I’m trying to do my job here.
Fourth Wall: I don’t appreciate the way I’ve been treated is all and—
Marzipan: Can we just get on with it?
Intermission: Fine.
Fourth Wall: You’ll be hearing from our lawyers!
Marzipan: Has anyone seen my cat? It’s a really simple question, and I don’t appreciate all the hooplah that’s been going on! She’s my best friend and she’s gotten lost somewhere and I’m really worried about her and maybe she’s hurt and none of you are helping me!
Heartfelt Monologue enters.
Heartfelt Monologue: Hello, I’m the heartfelt monologue that you just saw. I create dramatic tension, and, through direct address, help the audience really connect with the plight of the characters.
Fourth Wall: IT BURNS IT BURNS
Intermission: Is this still the Intermission?
Passage Of Time: Do we need any time passed?
Marzipan: I’m leaving!
Gorgonzilla enters.
Gorgonzilla: NO ONE WILL LEAVE THE KINGDOM OF CHEESE DREAMS! I am Gorgonzilla, and my word here is law!
Good Unipeg: What is your word?
Gorgonzilla: CHEESE!
Everyone goes mental on stage all talking at once, enacting cheese dreams. Marzipan sits down, head in her hands, very frustrated. Rocket Boy, broken, enters, followed by Whiskers the cat.
Rocket Boy: Beep, human of earth beep beep, is this your cat?
Whiskers: Meow.
Marzipan: Whiskers! You found her! Thank you, Rocket Boy! Where were you, Whiskers?
Rocket Boy: When the Unipeg Queen destroyed me they rebuilt me into beep a fridge and tried to put your cat in me to store her for winter. When they were not looking I pretended to defrost beep and escaped.
Doctor: Now I will also be your cat!
Gorgonzilla: And me!
ALL: We are all your cat!
Whiskers: What a bunch of weirdos.
Rocket Boy: I also beep beep repaired the Discombobulator. If I press this button we will go home.
Rocket Boy presses the button. The cats turn into Discombobulator parts again. They start to heat up, then overheat.
Doctor: This is alarmingly familiar.
Marzipan: Panic!
They all run back inside. Air Hostess reappears.
Air Hostess: Ladies and Gentleman, I do not wish to alarm you but once again we are having technical difficulties with our Discombobulator and respectfully ask you to use the exits here, here, and here to escape imminent danger and costly legal bills.
Audience goes back inside, actors are in the seats and applaude the audience.
The end!
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